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Marriage could be considered the most essential human
relationship, in that it is the means God has chosen for the
perpetuation of the human race. Marriage also perpetuates or generates
personalities, lifestyles, attitudes, and life perspectives. It is the
basis for a depth of intimacy and knowing of one another that cannot be
found elsewhere.
Unfortunately, in our country marriage is not highly
esteemed today.
Some would say that it is in serious trouble, as well
as those things that depend on marriage. We have heard often of the rising
rate of divorce. In 1985, more than one million couples divorced in a
year's time in the USA. The average length of marriage was only 9.4 years.
Although the rate of divorce may have reached a plateau, this probably
doesn't represent a sudden rediscovery of the value of marriage. It
probably has more to do with the number of people who are choosing not to
get married. Instead of indicating maturity, this seems indicative of
disillusionment with marriage. More people are trying to obtain the
benefits of marriage without the cost; looking for intimacy and
companionship without commitment by simply "living together".
Cohabitation is fast becoming more normative than marriage.
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Why is marriage losing its appeal?
One obvious
reason is the cultural emphasis on self-enhancement, putting what seems
best for the individual above all else. This runs contrary to
selflessness, compromising, and putting another's needs before one's own,
which anyone who has been married longer than 9.4 years, knows is part of
marriage. In fact, these qualities are often derogated and inaccurately
identified as "co-dependent". Besides a nation-wide fixation on
self-enhancement, I would further suggest that marriage is falling victim
to a more encompassing problem: an unwillingness to face adversity, a form
of cowardice, if you will. The conflict and difficulty inherent in
marriage is seen simply as an impediment to personal happiness, rather
than an inevitable and valuable experience, a passageway necessary to
greater depths of intimacy and commitment. With the high rate of divorce
and increasing frequency of cohabitation, there is a growing absence of
husbands and wives modeling marital commitment to children, resulting in
the perpetuation of self-centeredness and avoidance of difficulty.
Marriage appears to be caught in a downward cultural spiral.
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Some see cohabitation as a more realistic,
"progressive" option than marriage.
Some see cohabitation as a more realistic,
"progressive" option than marriage, with its restrictions on
personal freedom. But cohabitation can never be more than a facsimile
of marriage. It seeks the pleasures of marriage without its difficulties. It reminds me of my son straining the chunks of tomato and
pepper out of his salsa. Without the chunks, salsa isn't really salsa.
Avoiding the difficulties and risks of commitment limits the depth of
intimacy that can be obtained in a relationship. Couples never give
themselves fully to each other.
Divorce is no
better an answer to the difficulties of marriage.
A ten-year follow-up study of fifty-two divorced couples
found that
1) At best, divorce improved the quality of life for
only one individual in the couple
2) 50 per cent of the men who remarried were either
separated or divorced from their second partner
3) In a significant percentage of cases (20%) both
husband and wife were in worse condition
4) Even after ten years, many felt a great deal of
anger toward their former spouse
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What is the
answer to the marriage dilemma?
The
Bible assumes marriage to be a permanent commitment, embodying all that is
most important in relationships: loving one another selflessly and meeting
each other's needs. The principles of permanence, and other-centered love
are clearly stated in passages such as Genesis 2:22-25, I Corinthians
13:4-7, and Ephesians 5:21-33. When humans fail in living out these
principles, the answer is not to disregard or disparage the institution of
marriage. Nor is the answer to conclude that the principles are too lofty
and that a different kind of relationship is needed, one that is more
within reach. Replacing broken metal parts in a machine with plastic
innards is not likely to work for long. In a survey of 351 couples married
over fifteen years, respondents were asked to choose the reasons their
marriages had lasted. Cumulatively, the top seven reasons were ranked in
the following order:
1. My spouse is my best friend.
2. I like my spouse as a person.
3. Marriage is a long-term commitment.
4. Marriage is sacred.
5. We agree on aims and goals.
6. My spouse has grown more interesting.
7. I want the relationship to succeed.
Besides the rather amazing fact that husbands and wives
cumulatively agreed on the rank order of the first seven reasons, I find
it interesting that three of the seven reasons are directly related to the
idea of commitment. Three others, including the first two, focus on the
value of the other person as an individual.
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I believe marriage is based on simple principles.
While marriage can become quite complex, I believe it
is based on simple principles, though difficult to achieve. We need to
accept as fact that one who knows more than we do designed the machine of
marriage, and that our own inventions can never replace or approach it.
My goal as a psychologist and a Christian is to do all I can to preserve
marriages, demonstrating the validity of marriage as God defines it. At
the risk of sounding sentimental, I view troubled marriages as I would a
wounded endangered species. My goal is to enable each individual to see
the principles of commitment and selflessness as realistic, achievable,
and even rewarding; and to help them apply these principles to their
particular personalities and relationship.
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Conceptualize marriage
and approach the task of repairing and strengthening a damaged one.
We
need a "roadmap", bearing in mind that there are often numerous
routes to the same destination. Having a long-term view of marriage helps
us understand where a couple is at in the process. I offer you another
study of successful marriages, suggesting that each marriage must
eventually accomplish nine "psychological tasks". Conflicts may
be more understandable in light of these tasks. Couples can also gain hope
and incentive to work through their problems by realizing that what they
are struggling with can be a step toward a higher level in their
relationship. The tasks come from the book, The Good Marriage: How and
Why Love Lasts, by Judith Wallerstein:
Task 1: Separate emotionally from the family of one's
childhood and invest fully in the marriage.
Task 2: Build togetherness through identifying with
each other, shared experiences, and develop an "expanded
conscience" that includes both partners.
Task 3: Establish a pleasurable sexual relationship and
protect it.
Task 4: Absorb the impact of children, protecting the
marriage.
Task 5: Confront and master crises together.
Task 6: Maintain the marriage bond in the face of
adversity.
Task 7: Use humor and laughter to keep perspective and
avoid boredom and isolation.
Task 8: Nurture and comfort each other.
Task 9: Keep romance alive while facing the realities
of change and the passage of time.
I find these tasks/goals pertinent to my experience of
marriage, in the challenges I face personally and in the lives of my
clients. I hope you find them useful too.
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