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Divorce Rate in the United States
How many times have you heard that the divorce rate in
the United States is one out of two? It's a very discouraging
statistic. Of course few people getting married plan on divorce, but that
ominous figure has to be in the back of their minds. As it turns out, that
statistic is not completely accurate, and is misleading. I recently read
an article in the summer issue of Marriage Partnership entitled,
Don't Believe the Divorce Statistics, by Jim Killam. He points out that
the oft-quoted "one-out-of-two" figure seems to have originated
from a citation out of the National Center for Health Statistics
indicating that the number of divorces nationally in one year is
approximately half the number of marriages. It is not based on what
happens to marriages that are currently intact. The same article sites a
study by George Barna in The Future of the American Family. In his
study of 3,142 randomly selected adults, he found that 24% of the married
adults had been divorced, a figure that comes closer to measuring the
actual prevalence of divorce. Marriages may stand a better than 50% chance
of survival. He notes that among people over 55 years old, marriage is
actually quite stable. Most divorces occur before the mid-40's.
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The rate of divorce among young people is higher, and
may approach the one-out-of-two figure. The annual ratio of divorces to
marriages has been 1:2 for over twenty years. This roughly corresponds to
the advent of no-fault divorce in 1970. It occurs to me that it also
corresponds to the beginning of an era of increased emphasis on
self-satisfaction and diminished respect for the concept of
commitment.
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Divorce rates among people who identified
themselves as "born-again Christians" was 27%; this is higher than the
non-Christian rate of 23%!
The most surprising statistic from the article was from
the same study by Barna. How can this be? You might ask. I would
suggest several possibilities:
1. The Christian faith is more of a creed or system of
belief for many, than it is a way of life.
2. Christians may enter marriage with higher, and
sometimes unrealistic, expectations, and have greater difficulty accepting
the disappointment when reality sets in. Along the same line, Christians
may have lower tolerance for imperfections in their spouse and marriage.
Many people have a constricted concept of what constitutes a
"Christian marriage". They fail to allow for the difficulties of
resolving individual differences, and the struggle of the Spirit with the
flesh.
3. Christians may be in denial more than their
non-Christian counterparts regarding problems in themselves, their
spouses, or their marriages, failing to recognize them until severe
problems have developed. Although few people, Christian or otherwise, see
divorce as desirable, it may come to be accepted as a lesser evil,
compared to being attached to a spouse with "problems", or being
part of a struggling marriage. Divorce may function to externalize the
problem.
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Our culture, including Christians, has relied on
tradition as a primary support for the integrity of marriage.
I suspect
that couples didn't get along in daily life better in the past than they
do now. But people remained married because they couldn't imagine anything
else. Their parents and grandparents were probably married for life.
Tradition is not the same as commitment. It isn't strong enough to hold
people together in a world where forces of evil assault what is good from
within and without. People eventually question traditions, as they are now
questioning marriage. They experiment with alternatives, and new
traditions develop. Divorce and co-habitation have become common. To some,
this is no more significant than the current trends toward eating meals
out more often and wearing jeans to work. But I think the loss of marriage
as a lifelong commitment is more than a nostalgia issue. I see few forces
in our society likely to take a stand for the value of permanent marriage,
besides the Christian Church. If we are to do so, we have to differentiate
between extrinsic faith (where forms and traditions are preeminent) and
intrinsic faith, in which our beliefs dictate how we live our lives.
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If
marriage is to be a part of intrinsic faith, a lifelong commitment, what
does that mean in practice?
1. We must accept living in conflict with our culture;
accept living out of style. Commitment to marriage runs counter to the
pursuit of self-satisfaction in many instances.
2. Our marriage must become a chief occupation, rather
than just a status. We have to think about our marriage: What is happening
between my spouse and I? Are we becoming emotionally distant, or is
conflict rising to uncontrollable proportions? What should we do about it?
Are we experiencing joy and pleasure together? Marriage requires periodic
evaluation.
3. Along with evaluation comes adjustments. When it is
clear that adjustment must be made, we have to be willing to do whatever
is necessary. That means that sometimes we have to sacrifice something we
feel is valuable: possibly a job, time doing something we like, or a
relationship. Phrases like, "go for it", and "you have to
be happy yourself" have come to represent what people believe in
today. Sacrifice isn't a word that you hear a lot. But it is more relevant
to marriage as the Bible defines it. I'm reminded of my father, who
several years ago decided to end a satisfying and enjoyable career in
business to become a full-time caretaker for my mother when she developed
serious, chronic health problems. He has never regretted it.
4. Marriages have to be protected. We have to limit,
avoid, or give up anything that would threaten the marriage. For some, it
may mean giving up golf, going to the bar with single friends, or working
with a co-worker who is getting too close. It is easy for other things and
relationships to become more attractive than marriage at times. Marriage
isn't just loving. It is parenting, paying bills, and caring for property
as well, all of which can become mundane and draining.
5. Love for spouse must be developed. Love is an
investment in a person. This is best demonstrated by Christ's relationship
with people. We must be willing to invest time and effort in our spouse,
providing what they need rather than what we want to give them. Love
doesn't come so much from the attractiveness of an individual as it does
from what you invest in them. Each person has their own unique needs, and
we need to know what our spouse's needs are. When people "fall out of
love", they have usually stopped investing in their mate.
6. Forgiveness is essential. We inevitably fail and do
wrong things. Because of the intensity of the marriage relationship, one
spouse can fail another in a big way, and many times over. How often and
for how bad a failure should we forgive? How often and for how bad a
failure has Christ forgiven us? Of all things necessary for lasting
marriage, I believe this is the most critical. We must be willing to
recover from hurt without resentment.
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God intended marriage to
show us our limitations.
Among other things, I think God intended marriage to
show us our limitations, make us dependent on him, and to focus our minds
on enduring truths rather than the whims of contemporary society. The
possibility that maybe more than one out of two marriages still endures is
a hopeful realization. Yet, even a 25% failure rate is cause for concern,
especially when it appears that younger people must deal with less
favorable odds. Perhaps the numbers serve to remind us that marriage is
not easy. Marriage is like a long mountain bike race. I never feel like I
have mastered a course when I'm done. I am acutely aware of my
limitations, my need for sustenance, and I'm thankful that I have
finished. Marriages endure or come to an end for reasons. We need to
devote ourselves not just to our spouse, but to those things that make
marriage last.
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