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Marriage may be the most intense form of ministry
a person will experience.
Marriage involves many things:
companionship, a working relationship, intimacy, and trust. One word that
isn't commonly associated with marriage is ministry. Yet marriage may
be the most intense form of ministry a person will experience.
Consider that God brings one person into your life in such a way that you
will have a major impact on them, for better and for worse. In addition,
any children will be similarly impacted. No mission board would send a
person into the field unprepared. Neither should a man or woman enter
marriage unprepared.
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Pastors and other Christian ministers' opinions and
practices regarding pre-marital counseling vary. Some take a brief and
pessimistic approach: "They're not going to listen anyway." Some
are thorough and systematic, or follow a program devised by a particular
denomination. There are several well-organized and comprehensive published
approaches on the market, such as "Saving Your Marriage Before It
Starts" (SYMBIS) by Les and Leslie Parrot, and the "Prevention
and Relationship Enhancement Program" (PREP) by Scott M. Stanley.
Both are critiqued in the inaugural edition of Marriage and Family,
just published by Christian Counseling Resources. I favor an approach that
is comfortable for the counselor or pastor to use, and adaptable to a wide
variety of people. Today, more than ever, pastors face a wide range of
people anticipating marriage. They vary in age, preparation for marriage,
and previous marriage experience. Consequently, an individualized approach
is needed. At the same time, there are some basic aspects of marriage that
all couples need to give attention to before they embark on what may be
the most difficult, and important task of their lives.
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Premarital counseling should
focus on the realities of marriage, and how each person will engage these
challenges.
In this respect, premarital counseling deals with much the
same areas as marriage counseling, but from a different perspective.
Instead of a retrospective approach (How did this problem develop?), an
anticipatory perspective is taken. A prospective husband or wife needs to
become aware of what difficulties they will face and how they are likely
to respond. There are areas that all married people will face, and other
challenges that may result from the unique individuals involved, and their
particular experiences and circumstances. I would suggest the following
general format for pre-marital counseling:
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Introduction
Begin with
an introductory session, including both prospective spouses. Focus on
becoming acquainted and acquiring the couple's trust and interest. This is
best accomplished by developing a sincere interest in each individual,
listening to each tell the story of their backgrounds and their
relationship. Useful information includes family, educational, vocational,
and spiritual experiences. Of particular interest are their observations
of marriage as displayed by their own parents. It is important to pick up
differences between their experiences, and consequently in their
expectations of marriage. Also of interest are their future hopes and
plans regarding the kind of relationship they hope to have, as well as
specifics such as lifestyle, children, and vocation. Investigate the
nature of their faith and their interest in sharing and developing it
together. Throughout the introductory session, observe how the couple
relates. Near the end of the session, give a brief explanation of how you
view marriage, emphasizing that for many people, marriage is the best or
worst experience of their lives, depending greatly on how it is
approached. There is great value to the attachment process, or
"falling in love", usually the phase of the relationship that
the pre-marital couple is in. But the success of the marriage will depend
on how the couple handles the process of learning how to love and
live together. I often emphasize that this can only happen after marriage,
in spite of the prevalence of cohabitation before marriage today. Marriage
brings about a level of commitment that is otherwise impossible to
experience, accentuating frustrations and disappointments in each other. I
also emphasize that marriage can be a two-person partnership, relying
solely on the resources of the individuals involved, or it can include the
infinite resources of an involved God, if the couple is willing to make a
covenant with God as well as one another. This is particularly important,
as eventually each may feel disappointed by the other, and perceive this
as a "breach of contract", seeing no other alternative but to
end the marriage. For many people, their conception of marriage is that of
a business partnership or contractual relationship, involving one other
person. If there is a genuine commitment to God, as well as another
person, the potential to work through and solve problems is greater.
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Matters Common to All Marriages
Subsequent sessions should be
spent discussing matters common to all marriages, and those unique to the
couple. The goal is to engage the couple's attention in realistically
considering how they will accomplish a series of tasks together, that will
determine how their marriage functions. These tasks include, but may
not be limited to:
-
division of workloads
-
social needs
-
recreational preferences
-
use of money
-
plans for children and parenting philosophy
-
pursuit of spiritual life and relationship with God
-
communicating and dealing with conflict
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coping with differences in each person's
personality
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dealing with extended family relationships
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dealing with previous marriages and children, if
applicable
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The number and length of sessions will depend on how
much preparation the counselor believes the couple needs, the time
available, and the willingness of the individuals involved. Homework
assignments may aid the counseling process. This enables the counselor to
observe how the couple handles a task together. It makes the anticipated
marriage more real. And it provides tools that the couple can use later.
For example, the counselor may ask the couple to spend some time
separately and together developing a marriage "purpose
statement" before the next session. Another useful assignment is for
the couple to identify three problems that they currently face in their
relationship, or will when married, and arrive at a solution acceptable to
each. Another task is to establish goals in each of several categories for
the marriage: financial, recreational, vocational, social, and spiritual.
In completing the tasks, the couple may experience working together in a
way that they haven't before. As the couple reports on their experience,
the counselor can assess their ability to work together and handle
conflict, offering observations, suggestions, or recommendations for more
extensive work in a specific area.
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Goals
Objectively, the pre-marital
counselor's goal is to assist the couple in generating an inventory of
strengths and weaknesses that they will bring into their marriage. On
occasion, this will stimulate conflict and doubts regarding the
anticipated marriage, severe enough to result in postponement of the
marriage and more intensive counseling for one or both individuals. More
often, it will help the couple develop a more realistic conception of
marriage, and the differences they must deal with in each other.
Subjectively, the counselor's goal is to give the couple the experience of
working through difficulties together, and mentally experiencing some of
the challenges of marriage.
Anticipate problems.
People entering marriage need to
anticipate problems, just as people going to college, entering a vocation,
or going to the mission field need to get beyond a naive conception of
their venture. They also need to catch a glimpse of the possibilities that
can come about through years of diligent effort and experiencing life
together.
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